11/11/2010 Just a thought...I don't know if it is actually something that was linked to my depression or not. But it seems that it's always the way I have been.....
For the longest time I found that my interest skips a lot...I may or will have an intense interest in a topic and it soon will go away. Like my interest in men....I may be keen on them for a week then "whatever" (which is the difference I have with Hayden then any other guy I have seen since Trevor.) I have a lack of focus and concentration....It's almost like *working working working "oh blue birdie" watches birdie; gets lost*
At the moment I don't have much of an appitate to speak of....I have gone back to not eating breakfast and only having a drink in the morning....I will eat breakfast since my Mum usually brings something in for everyone....Dinner is more of a case of if I can be bothered to cook when I get home from work, even though some days I come home at 4pm...Sometimes I still CBF-ed
14/11/2010 Oh yes I think I have come to the conclusion of WHY I despise Trevor so much...I still care about his well being.
His little sister the other day told me that he got drunk and pissed on a pair of her boots (seems from talking to another friend that it was almost a case of "he pee-ed on me")...Either way it's NOT the first time he's done shit like this...I wasn't happy at his actions whether drunk or not...She finishes by telling me that he slept in because of him being drunk and missed a Dr's appointment...So consiquently he has been without his meds for like 2 weeks...2 FUCKEN WEEKS!...Just bloody shows he can NOT look after himself.
Sam is in a shit house situation atm, she is boarding with her brothers for a while until the people she is moving in with find a place. Seems they are fucken dragging their feet and REALLY limiting themselves...They want to live in a suburb called Joondalup, which for Sam will make things HARD because she doesn't have a license and relises on public transport to get her places...AND they want a NEW house...Sam isn't really fussed as long as she has a place to go. She might have to get rid of her lil kitty cat (it's going up to her Mum's place) to make things easier when finding a place.
She gives the impression that her opinion doesn't matter when it comes to finding a place with these people (her boyfriend and some of his 2 friends) I told her to voice her opinion and get things moving again. Since she is going to be LIVING there and p[ossibly will have HER NAME on the lease. She isn't the most confident of people...and that was just enforced even more by her now long ex-boyfriend Cristian (he was a FUCKEN DICKHEAD...had sex with her while she was asleep, made her use the toilet with the door open (said it was about trust)...and just fuck, no words can say how much I want to end that person. And he kept on buying her forgiveness with toys, rats, other animals like ferret's and cats...etc) Either way the guy she is with atm is like 200% better then her ex....he is trying to undo years of brain washing...Also she's on meds and anti-depressants now...Which Cristian's family denied her....For some fucken STUPID REASON. She has a mental condition that NEEDS medication, it's not just depression that you can actually work through...
Ranting aside...Sam is stuck living on her brother's couch for the time being as if she were to live with me for that time rent would be too much for her :(....And while yes it would be nice to help her out I can't just hand shit out anymore...Sure a couple of days I wouldn't ask for any money, just some help around the place and company....But this'd be anywhere from 2-4+ weeks....
So Trev is stuck in the "feeling sorry for myself/BAW" stage...being all emo and shit, clinging onto his ex-goth days....It's sad really.
So anyways Sam's 18th was a h00t. Fun times. But there was a dark taint to the night. Trev giggled about it but told me the next day.
He thought that it was funny that he had gotten with this girl (that had a partner and is a lesbian and was drunk.) I very much disapproved. He was giggling also because Ryan's was shmoozing too...But she was kinda cracking onto him and me...and Sam...*sighs*
Anyways Monday came around I asked Trev to not flirt with girls infront of me, cos it hurts and it's like a total slap in the face. He took it as I was asking him to put his life on hold for me and blah blah blah....fucken men, fucken hate the cunts. Anyways I logged off after that, it messed with me all night, I got home after a busy day didn't eat anything and pretty much went straight to bed; at like 8:35pm...But didn't get to sleep until like 12-1am. I was just crying (no more like balling my fucken eyes out, didn't help that Nagi abandoned me), I felt so betrayed, just lots of pain. I was annoyed and stuff.
I sooo didn't want to get up today but i managed to drag my corpse out of bed at 11:45 to have a shower, smoke and have some of my hot chocolate before I headed to work. When I get in I see a message from Trev on Yahoo that I didn't get because I'd logged off.
knight_panthera: how about a compromise knight_panthera: how about u come ova for just sat and go home that night knight_panthera: that way we can still stay in touch, but not sleep togeather knight_panthera: ok i have to go to mandys now, so i'll catch u tomorrow ok
Actually no, you guys can read the whole thing. It starts out fine...But gets blown out of proportion.
My eye's are dry. It's the second time I've started to cry today. Life feels like shit, my boyfriend at the moment is a total douche bag. Last night we go off to bed, because I wanna try and get some sleep I take a sleeping pill at 10pm, Trev SHOULD have taken his then too ~_~...He sits on the FUCKEN computer till I don't know when. I get up and go out to my computer, sit there for a while read maybe 3 chapters of CLAYMORE before I start to nod off a little. Sam came out and said a few things to me and went to sleep. Instead of going to bed I head to the couch and try to get to sleep there.
Trev comes out after a while and wakes me up I dismiss him pretty much because I'm tired and he's like "come back to bed." I'm just thinking "come back to bed?...Come back to WHAT?! You aren't in bed you sitting in front of the shit box staring at it. I'm coming second compared to that piece of shit. Because I haven't done much with my computer lately I get very bored quickly and I don't wanna spend a lot of time on the computer.
I slept on the couch, I don't like sleeping in a big bed by myself. At like 6am I get woken up by Ash and Richard clonking around getting ready to leavec. I move back into the bedroom and shove Trev over and go to sleep. I woke up at like 10am. Got Trev up, I thought like normal new day. New things...But no same shit today. He asked if I wanted a milo I say "yes please". He probably wasn't even fucken listening to me. Which pisses me off, he comes back with a coffee for himself.......*twitch* That pisses me off so FUCKEN much. He says he's gonna do something and NEVER fucken follows through with it.
His last job he quit because of the "stress"...Maybe he was still stressing out from working with us (cos you know you are actually WORKING, instead of sitting on your fat ass.)
Yeah what about fucken me....I'm stressing out because I can't fucken save some fucken money for me because I'm baling people out with money for food because we don't have enough to just buy for 3 people. Nope not anymore. I'm gonna give my $40 to Trev and no more money is coming out of my wallet, I'm not fucken covering for anyone anymore, I'm sick of it.
Is it wrong to be annoyed at my boyfriend? I knew it'd be different moving out of home, as an obvious thing...But I would have liked my meals to stay in a normal routine...having dinner about 7pm-ish well as close to there as possible. I can handle a few days late, but normally I don't eat a lot because I'm not hungry again or I feel ill.
I head off to work at like 11:20am...I get up when my body allows me which has been about 8am lately give or take...Rarely I go back to sleep, I'm normally up, given I don't wanna make too much noise and stuff so I don't go and do anything. Trevor normally goes to sleep about the same time as me. Lately because we've been sick he gets up at like 4am from coughing, stays up a bit and then goes back to sleep maybe atoun 7:30-8am. Gets up after I leave for work most times....I know he does do stuff around the house but seriously at snails pace...and it might take him a few days to do something (like vacuum the mats) but even when he wasn't sick he'd sleep in till almost the time I leave for work.
He sits at his computer trying to figure out easy eays to make money...He found currency trading and I think he's gone off of that idea now...now he's found the online roulette table casino things. I know he can't handle a work enviroment (or is it just a cope out?) he's scitzo, so it's kinda of a legit reason, I'm sure there are people out there who are the same would use it as an excuse to not get a job. I'm sorry love making money isn't easy and it takes hard work, there are days where I feel totally shit hole, but you know what I still drag my stupid self out of bed...do stuff and go to work. I stress out big time at work too. Like I want to come home and cook dinner all the time...or most of the time? Grow a brain hey.
He keeps on saying "I think I would make a good at hom husband"...Yeah so you are gonna make sure the house is clean, cook dinner, do the washing. EVERYTHING a stay at home wife would do? I don't think so love.
Maybe I'm just being my stupid self...I don't know, I jsut feel I have to keep on pushing him into doing things.