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Men are so meh.

So anyways Sam's 18th was a h00t. Fun times. But there was a dark taint to the night. Trev giggled about it but told me the next day.

He thought that it was funny that he had gotten with this girl (that had a partner and is a lesbian and was drunk.) I very much disapproved. He was giggling also because Ryan's was shmoozing too...But she was kinda cracking onto him and me...and Sam...*sighs*

Anyways Monday came around I asked Trev to not flirt with girls infront of me, cos it hurts and it's like a total slap in the face. He took it as I was asking him to put his life on hold for me and blah blah blah....fucken men, fucken hate the cunts. Anyways I logged off after that, it messed with me all night, I got home after a busy day didn't eat anything and pretty much went straight to bed; at like 8:35pm...But didn't get to sleep until like 12-1am. I was just crying (no more like balling my fucken eyes out, didn't help that Nagi abandoned me), I felt so betrayed, just lots of pain. I was annoyed and stuff.

I sooo didn't want to get up today but i managed to drag my corpse out of bed at 11:45 to have a shower, smoke and have some of my hot chocolate before I headed to work. When I get in I see a message from Trev on Yahoo that I didn't get because I'd logged off.

knight_panthera: how about a compromise
knight_panthera: how about u come ova for just sat and go home that night
knight_panthera: that way we can still stay in touch, but not sleep togeather
knight_panthera: ok i have to go to mandys now, so i'll catch u tomorrow ok


Actually no, you guys can read the whole thing. It starts out fine...But gets blown out of proportion.


ME (4/05/2009 1:59:15 PM): :3
ME (4/05/2009 2:14:12 PM):
Trev (4/05/2009 2:14:26 PM): im doing my tafe subjects
Trev (4/05/2009 2:14:42 PM): trying to get throught the application process
ME (4/05/2009 2:14:44 PM): Cool
Trev (4/05/2009 2:16:55 PM): im going for small business and accounting
ME (4/05/2009 2:17:18 PM): yeah i saw that on your notes on your desk teh other day XD;
Trev (4/05/2009 2:17:29 PM): yeah
Trev (4/05/2009 2:17:43 PM): i did babysitting last night for mandy
ME (4/05/2009 2:17:49 PM): yeah i know
Trev (4/05/2009 2:17:51 PM): but i told u didnt i
ME (4/05/2009 2:17:52 PM): I rang you remember
ME (4/05/2009 2:17:54 PM): LOL
Trev (4/05/2009 2:17:57 PM): lol
ME (4/05/2009 2:18:39 PM): my psych appointment was ok...well you know as good as they can be when you bring up painful stuff
Trev (4/05/2009 2:19:26 PM): well not really, i dont have trouble talking about problems
Trev (4/05/2009 2:19:38 PM): but what did the psych say?
ME (4/05/2009 2:20:12 PM): Next appointment we'll go over techniques to try and help me sleep
ME (4/05/2009 2:23:17 PM): yeah well you're good at talking about your problems in that sense.
ME (4/05/2009 2:23:22 PM): I suck.
ME (4/05/2009 2:23:28 PM): painful things make me cry
Trev (4/05/2009 2:23:32 PM): its all my years of self assesment
Trev (4/05/2009 2:23:47 PM): yeah thats very normal to feel that way
Trev (4/05/2009 2:24:08 PM): but after a while it gets easier to talk about
ME (4/05/2009 2:24:24 PM): yeah, kinda. Depends on what it is
ME (4/05/2009 2:25:25 PM): and coupled with a crappy night it was er. Not as bad as i thought it would have been. I don't remember falling asleep. But i think the cat abandoned me
ME (4/05/2009 2:26:22 PM): last night
ME (4/05/2009 2:26:23 PM): eval cat
Trev (4/05/2009 2:26:38 PM): lol poor kats not getting love
Trev (4/05/2009 2:26:43 PM): lol
ME (4/05/2009 2:27:13 PM): no he wasn't giving me loves when i needed cuddles
Trev (4/05/2009 2:28:11 PM): oh well, vicious circle
ME (4/05/2009 2:28:33 PM): I gives him plenty of attentions.
ME (4/05/2009 2:28:44 PM): bad idea going through old messages
ME (4/05/2009 2:28:47 PM): on phone though
Trev (4/05/2009 2:29:12 PM): yeah bad idea going through memories when they still painful
Trev (4/05/2009 2:29:28 PM): can ruin ur day
ME (4/05/2009 2:29:44 PM): meh, was already having a crappy night
ME (4/05/2009 2:30:12 PM): and hadda clean out my msgs too =T
ME (4/05/2009 2:30:19 PM): was getting full D=
Trev (4/05/2009 2:30:34 PM): do what i do, just wipe the lot
ME (4/05/2009 2:31:14 PM): yes but that is you.
Trev (4/05/2009 2:33:30 PM): so no meds yet?
ME (4/05/2009 2:33:43 PM): just what the GP gave me
Trev (4/05/2009 2:33:52 PM): ok
Trev (4/05/2009 2:34:09 PM): sounds like u need zoloft
ME (4/05/2009 2:34:46 PM): why?
Trev (4/05/2009 2:35:13 PM): well its a good med to pick u up a bit for a short term fix
ME (4/05/2009 2:35:58 PM): thing is i haven't have lots of bad days
ME (4/05/2009 2:36:13 PM): just sucks when it comes to the bedtime part
Trev (4/05/2009 2:37:06 PM): hmmm i see, but you had a bad day just last week didnt u? U seem to have them evey 2- 3 work days
ME (4/05/2009 2:37:25 PM): I don't think I did
Trev (4/05/2009 2:37:58 PM): oh well, i guess it comes down to how much life is bugging"you"
ME (4/05/2009 2:38:57 PM): life sucks. work seems like the only thing I can do decently
Trev (4/05/2009 2:39:22 PM): you seem to handle the weekends pretty good
ME (4/05/2009 2:40:28 PM): just i don't want to be here
Trev (4/05/2009 2:40:40 PM): what at work?
ME (4/05/2009 2:40:43 PM): yeah
ME (4/05/2009 2:40:48 PM): I wanna go back and go to sleep
Trev (4/05/2009 2:41:23 PM): yeah, its what pulled me down, i didnt want to be there, so i started trading instead, its a quiet life
ME (4/05/2009 2:41:52 PM): i'd go crazy at home all the time though
Trev (4/05/2009 2:42:16 PM): dunno, you werent too bothered on your hols were u?
ME (4/05/2009 2:42:38 PM): i try and not worry about work. Sometimes that doesn't happen
ME (4/05/2009 2:42:51 PM): But i think I was able to the last lot of hols that i had from work
ME (4/05/2009 2:44:13 PM): which is what i was saying to Maggie. I feel like all i do it work, sleep and eat.
Trev (4/05/2009 2:45:24 PM): brb
ME (4/05/2009 2:45:32 PM): k
Trev (4/05/2009 2:45:50 PM): sorry thought i herd the front door
ME (4/05/2009 2:46:05 PM): ok
Trev (4/05/2009 2:46:11 PM): When u work full time all you seem to do is stick to routine
Trev (4/05/2009 2:46:29 PM): but dw, cause the weekends seem to be differnt every week
ME (4/05/2009 2:46:40 PM): yeah kinda
ME (4/05/2009 2:48:37 PM): I spose i dun have to worry about work then
ME (4/05/2009 2:50:37 PM): might see when i finished the stuff on my desk if i can go home.
Trev (4/05/2009 2:52:26 PM): hmmm, when would u be able to do that?
ME (4/05/2009 2:52:37 PM): i dunno. why?
Trev (4/05/2009 2:53:11 PM): just wondering when u get to go home? I mean how early?
ME (4/05/2009 2:53:31 PM): normally about 7:30-ish PM
ME (4/05/2009 2:53:42 PM): I haven't asked Mum yet though
Trev (4/05/2009 2:54:11 PM): yeah well you can only ask
ME (4/05/2009 2:54:53 PM): yeah
ME (4/05/2009 2:54:53 PM): brb
Trev (4/05/2009 2:55:12 PM): k
ME (4/05/2009 3:03:20 PM): back
Trev (4/05/2009 3:03:49 PM): im exercising
Trev (4/05/2009 3:03:56 PM): ouch! it hurts
ME (4/05/2009 3:04:00 PM): lol
Trev (4/05/2009 3:04:02 PM): which is good i guess
ME (4/05/2009 3:04:11 PM): I feel like fucken shit and i wanna just die.
ME (4/05/2009 3:04:56 PM): so yeah i can't go home
ME (4/05/2009 3:05:38 PM): and Mum had a go at me asking why I wanted to go home and then was like "this is why i didn't want you to go and see a pyschologist, because they bring up all the old crap"
Trev (4/05/2009 3:06:28 PM): oh poor thing
Trev (4/05/2009 3:07:04 PM): yeah i feel for ya hey
Trev (4/05/2009 3:07:45 PM): gee your heading for another crash if this keeps oing
Trev (4/05/2009 3:08:06 PM): it'll probabally get to the stage where u just cant get outa bed
Trev (4/05/2009 3:08:28 PM): but psychs are good because they start the healing process
ME (4/05/2009 3:08:31 PM): I dun wanna get out of bed as is.
Trev (4/05/2009 3:08:46 PM): yeah but dont wanna and cant are differnt
ME (4/05/2009 3:09:20 PM): even when you leave getting out of bed till the last minute before work?
Trev (4/05/2009 3:10:14 PM): thats just pushing it
ME (4/05/2009 3:10:26 PM): so Mum successfully made me feel worse then I did before.
Trev (4/05/2009 3:10:37 PM): hmmm, yeah u get that
ME (4/05/2009 3:11:21 PM): almost all the time
Trev (4/05/2009 3:12:47 PM): yeah maybe working with ur parents is adding the stress
ME (4/05/2009 3:13:00 PM): probably
Trev (4/05/2009 3:33:20 PM): have u seen sams 18th bday photos? brb
ME (4/05/2009 3:33:31 PM): yeah
ME (4/05/2009 3:33:31 PM): k
Trev (4/05/2009 3:38:30 PM): i like the one with loki, and the empty bottle of johnny walker
ME (4/05/2009 3:38:47 PM): yeah that one is funny
Trev (4/05/2009 3:40:56 PM): have u tried to use your muscle stimulator tingy?
ME (4/05/2009 3:41:07 PM): i've had a look, i haven't "used" it yet
Trev (4/05/2009 3:41:28 PM): i think i turned mine up a little high, oh god it hurts
ME (4/05/2009 3:41:35 PM): lol
ME (4/05/2009 3:41:44 PM): you'll have to show me the buttons and stuff XDDD;
Trev (4/05/2009 3:41:56 PM): it was rally funny, it suddenly stopped, and i was like WTF?
ME (4/05/2009 3:42:43 PM): o_O and?
Trev (4/05/2009 3:42:58 PM): But 5 secs later it jolted me hard, and i went all stiff as a bord going oooowwwwwww!
ME (4/05/2009 3:43:21 PM): *_*
ME (4/05/2009 3:43:23 PM): eep
Trev (4/05/2009 3:43:24 PM): lol im doing chest atm
ME (4/05/2009 3:43:29 PM): lol
Trev (4/05/2009 3:49:46 PM): now doing arms, soo hard to type
ME (4/05/2009 3:49:57 PM):
Trev (4/05/2009 3:50:04 PM): keeps jolting my arms
ME (4/05/2009 3:50:21 PM): but but that's what it is sposed to do
Trev (4/05/2009 3:50:32 PM): i know
Trev (4/05/2009 3:50:53 PM): at least i know its working
ME (4/05/2009 3:51:19 PM): yes that is true XD
ME (4/05/2009 3:51:29 PM): i sooo gotta read the book at some stage
ME (4/05/2009 3:51:33 PM): and er get back into walking
ME (4/05/2009 3:51:37 PM): that seems to have died in the ass
Trev (4/05/2009 3:54:43 PM): yeah i still do it mostly, but yeah is dying
ME (4/05/2009 3:55:07 PM): i just don't have motivation to do it anymore
Trev (4/05/2009 3:55:27 PM): yeah i know, what it feels like
ME (4/05/2009 3:55:31 PM): though i spose still fitting clothes that i just bought should be enough D8
Trev (4/05/2009 4:01:42 PM): yeah u gotta get to a stage where ur comfortable
ME (4/05/2009 4:02:06 PM): yeah...gotta get used to being in my own skin first
Trev (4/05/2009 4:02:27 PM): well your doing ok
ME (4/05/2009 4:03:18 PM): I dunno. I seem to do good and then fall in to a big ass hole
Trev (4/05/2009 4:05:31 PM): yeah seems that way
Trev (4/05/2009 4:05:39 PM): brb
ME (4/05/2009 4:05:45 PM): k
ME (4/05/2009 4:19:09 PM): HAHAHAHAHA i just scored myself another pair of dress shoes XD
Trev (4/05/2009 4:21:39 PM): lol howd u do that?
ME (4/05/2009 4:22:07 PM): there was a box of shoes out in the warehouse
Trev (4/05/2009 4:22:21 PM): hmmm, what kinda shoes?
ME (4/05/2009 4:24:59 PM): heels
ME (4/05/2009 4:25:02 PM): hang on
ME (4/05/2009 4:27:30 PM): sending message your way
Trev (4/05/2009 4:29:30 PM): havent go it yet
Trev (4/05/2009 4:29:34 PM): got*
ME (4/05/2009 4:30:33 PM): only just sents it D8
Trev (4/05/2009 4:30:42 PM): okay
ME (4/05/2009 4:35:57 PM): seemed there was an error on the first one i tried to send you
Trev (4/05/2009 4:36:51 PM): got it. hey not bad
Trev (4/05/2009 4:36:59 PM): playing fear 2 atm
ME (4/05/2009 4:37:45 PM): yeah
ME (4/05/2009 4:37:46 PM): kk
Trev (4/05/2009 5:43:01 PM): is gonna have smoke then bb
ME (4/05/2009 5:43:06 PM): KK
ME (4/05/2009 5:43:10 PM): =3
Trev (4/05/2009 6:03:45 PM): hey can u ask ur mum what type of things can buy with ur business? like cars and stuff?
ME (4/05/2009 6:04:08 PM): Yeah I'll ask her a bit later XD;
Trev (4/05/2009 6:04:13 PM): kk
Trev (4/05/2009 6:05:29 PM): what should i watch tonight?
Trev (4/05/2009 6:05:39 PM): stuff to fit under a 2gb
ME (4/05/2009 6:06:51 PM): like a disc worth of stuff
ME (4/05/2009 6:07:03 PM): I dunno XD;
ME (4/05/2009 6:07:15 PM): had a mind spazm just then
ME (4/05/2009 6:07:22 PM): you want under a DISC WORTH
Trev (4/05/2009 6:07:56 PM): right
Trev (4/05/2009 6:08:06 PM): anie suggestions?
ME (4/05/2009 6:08:06 PM): ER
Trev (4/05/2009 6:08:10 PM): anime*
ME (4/05/2009 6:08:10 PM): I dunno ^^;;
ME (4/05/2009 6:08:18 PM): what have you got though?
Trev (4/05/2009 6:08:26 PM): i got the last of frontier
ME (4/05/2009 6:13:07 PM): you could put the first part of witchblade on o_O
Trev (4/05/2009 6:13:18 PM): yeah did that
ME (4/05/2009 6:13:20 PM): or the first part of any other anime you have if you are gonna to to Mandy's?
Trev (4/05/2009 6:13:42 PM): yeah think i filled it up already, not much space
ME (4/05/2009 6:13:47 PM): lol
Trev (4/05/2009 6:37:49 PM): mmm toasted chicken cheese toasties...drool
Trev (4/05/2009 6:37:57 PM): they is cooking
ME (4/05/2009 6:38:04 PM): yum
ME (4/05/2009 6:40:06 PM): I dunno how to put this really...Can you not flirt and stuff infront of me (if i'm at a party at yours or your at), I get this horrible urge to wanna mane and rip apart the girl your flirting with. Well at least until I get over the whole thing...which might be a while.
Trev (4/05/2009 6:43:05 PM): well im sorry but i cant put my life on hold, i know i sound horrible here, but I should be able to even pick up girls
ME (4/05/2009 6:43:24 PM): just don't do it when i'm there
ME (4/05/2009 6:43:36 PM): you go out to parties and stuff without me right?
ME (4/05/2009 6:43:41 PM): just not infront of me
Trev (4/05/2009 6:44:08 PM): well, i dont go out to parties that aren here, if u get me.
ME (4/05/2009 6:45:03 PM): I'll just stay away then. Don't invite me to any parties again, it'll make it easier that way
ME (4/05/2009 6:45:26 PM): i don't see, I don't hear I don't get urge to wanna rip girls eyes out
ME (4/05/2009 6:46:33 PM): I'm not asking you to put your life on hold.
Trev (4/05/2009 6:47:41 PM): well ok then i will try for a while ok, but your gonna have to come to terms with it all at some point, and it wont likely be when ur ready for it, so dont worry ok
ME (4/05/2009 6:48:03 PM): I'm worried that I will hurt someone badly
Trev (4/05/2009 6:48:29 PM): yeah u do realize i wont let u come round if u hurt someone
ME (4/05/2009 6:48:33 PM): and what do you think I have been trying to do?
Trev (4/05/2009 6:48:52 PM): wait, what?
ME (4/05/2009 6:48:59 PM): coming to terms with the us thing
ME (4/05/2009 6:49:44 PM): I think it'll be best if i stay away for a while.
ME (4/05/2009 6:49:51 PM): get used to be alone again
Trev (4/05/2009 6:50:04 PM): whatever


So I know I have jealousy...But I have a high moral standing and I stick to them. I'm broken though, it's so hard. The "whatever' really kicked me in the teeth though, he says he cares about me, but seriously? With his recent actions I just feel used and totally betrayed.


ME: will have to think about it.
ME: It's not the sleeping together that I have the problem with. It's your flirting infront of me, it's like you are mocking me; laughing at me. I know you aren't but it just feels that way.
ME: and the fact you got with someone that already has a partner...thus a BIG no-no

Trev: what? I flirt because its fun, not because i want to cause any problems. Yeah it was wrong, but despite how drunk i was i stopped my self from doing anything serious because i have a loyality towards u
ME: you didn't stop because it's morally wrong to get with someone that has a partner?
Trev: not really, because of the way she was hitting on me. I find it hard to say no to affection
ME: she was hitting on me too and I like affection just as much as you.
Trev: you werent as drunk as i was,
ME: you can't always blame being drunk.
Trev: she didnt mean much to me was also i reason i stopped, and an overal weird feeling
Trev: and i can use the excuse i was drunk because people get drunk and get with people it happens a lot at parties
Trev: and who are u to talk down to me
ME: you were conherent enough. You weren't leggless like you were at Emma's
Trev: doesnt matter
ME: and just because other people do it doesn't mean anything.
Trev: yeah it does.
ME: whatever
Trev: its a normal thing to do
Trev: did you come online to just bite my head off?
ME: no
Trev: then dont
ME: you started it
Trev: ah sorry u had first post
ME: yopu had a go at me last night and I couldn't get to sleep at all last night and I felt like shit
ME: no I was repling to your offline messages
ME: cos I closed YIM down
ME: last night
Trev: well i been asleep all day, i couldnt tell the difference
ME: whatever
Trev: yeah whatever

Trev: how are you doing atm?
ME: less pissed off then i was before
ME: used, betrayed
Trev: yeah hey its ok
ME: ~_~
Trev: I still care about u
ME: doesn't seem that way
Trev: come on, I am trying to help here
ME: I know but your not helping yourself either with your actions
Trev: what do u mean?
ME: what we had talked about
ME: some of the messages you have sent me
ME: 'always lonely without you' stuff like that
ME: you know it makes it really hard
Trev: yeah ok, i figured i'll give u space this time and not guilt trip u into comming over
Trev: So i wont be making any comments like that
ME: I wasn't gonna come over anyways.
Thanks.


At this stage I'm soooo over men at the moment. Ala did help a bit last night, made me smile when I was talking to her, she's a dork, I love her so much. Me family are the awesome hey. I feel horrible about making them worry about me, I hate being a burden like this. But I can't just stop feeling like this at the same time.

Heading off...work...

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